Poetry Collage (Original Series)
by Djinn1
Summary: In "Lasting Impression," Chapel told Spock that human poets didn't write her love stories. But that's not true. In real life, I'm a published poet, yet I've only done one poem for Trek. That's going to change. This will be a running catalog. Starting with the poem I did a long time ago and moving on from there. These might be shippy or not, het or slash. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Requiem

I lost you  
on bloody sands.  
Ancient and honored traditions  
that confuse and kill.  
My own hands  
the weapon used  
to bring you down.

I lost you  
a handful of times.  
You disappeared  
then came back.  
Cheated death.  
Laughed  
in its face.

I lost you  
in coldest space.  
A ship too wounded to move.  
Your face the last thing  
I would see.  
I gave my life  
to keep you safe.

I lost you,  
was nowhere near.  
The _Enterprise_ needed you.  
Not your ship  
but you saved her  
and our friends.  
Then disappeared.

I lose you  
one final time.  
Now that I have ceased to mourn,  
was unaware you even lived.  
You die again.  
This final blow  
the greatest one of all.

Jim.

(Pairing: Kirk/Spock Written in 2001)


	2. Chapter 2

Searching for Meaning

I told you once  
That I loved both sides of you  
The human and the Vulcan  
But was that true?  
Because I saw the Vulcan part  
And it terrified me  
Terrify from the Latin: to scare, deter  
Intimidate—oh, if only, you had deterred me  
But I'm stubborn and brave and I see  
What I want and I take it  
Metaphorically, I mean  
I never touched you, not that first visit

_Poking and prying—if I want anything from you, I'll ask for it_

Poke, from the Middle English: to prod  
To jab, to thrust  
I brought you soup, not a cudgel  
Pry, from the Middle English: to look  
Closely—when haven't I?  
Oh, I hid it before, but haven't lately  
Not since the Psi2000, not since  
I told you my truth, unwanted  
As it was  
Or pry can mean to pull apart, to extract  
To detach—detachment is a quality  
I'd have assigned you  
Until, that is, you threw a bowl  
Of soup at me  
You didn't ask for it but I didn't  
Ask for you to overreact like  
A child having a tantrum  
So we're even

_I had a most startling dream _

I came back, because I'm stupid, because  
I love you and I wanted you to know that  
You'd be safe, that we were taking you home  
But you had a dream—do Vulcans  
Normally dream, mundane dreams  
Let alone startling ones?  
Startling, derived from startle, from the Middle English:  
Causing momentary fright, surprise  
Or astonishment—do I frighten you?  
I can't imagine I do but you frightened me  
As you moved, like a hunting cat in your quarters  
Your eyes burned and your mouth moved  
And you spoke of not hearing  
But is that worse than not understanding?  
Than never understanding, even when I asked you  
Later what you meant, after it was over, after  
I was kicked out of sickbay  
But I came back to you again, because I did not grow  
Any smarter or love you any less  
You still didn't explain why it would startle  
But you showed me what it meant to  
Not protest against our natures

Protest, from the Middle English, from  
The Anglo-French, from the Latin—did you  
Know it could mean object or affirm?  
I suppose things get confused when you have  
So many foundations coloring your definition  
Which did you mean? I still don't know  
Not even after having slept in your bed  
Drowned in your incense, roasted in the  
Heat of your quarters, dying for water  
Or perhaps just a kind word  
But that's not in your nature, I think

Nature, from the Middle English, from Middle French  
From Latin, but this time not so confusing  
Inherent character, basic constitution  
So were you telling me that your  
Inherent character wants me?  
And how much of the Spock I thought  
I knew is that part of you—the wanting  
Part, the one who touched and kissed  
And didn't notice that I was thirsty  
But let me up when I asked  
Watched me with...regret  
I drank two glasses—how can  
Your mother exist like that?  
And then I pulled on my clothes and  
Fled, from the Middle English, from Old English  
And akin to Old High German:  
To run away from danger—you didn't hurt me  
To run to security—but you didn't make me feel  
Safe, either  
To vanish, to shun—this, oh yes, this  
I see it when you pass me  
I feel as if I don't exist even when  
You're only millimeters away  
It's mercy, I suppose  
Or your version of it  
Mercy, from the Middle English, from the Anglo-French,  
From Medieval Latin, from Latin, meaning originally  
And once again: price paid

(Pairing Spock/Chapel, written 2019)


	3. Chapter 3

If There Were  
By Djinn

I.  
If there were a way  
To explain to you what I meant  
I would—but I cannot  
The version of myself that did not wish  
To protest against his nature  
Is gone, subsumed, or perhaps just dormant  
Did he want you?  
He must have. Do I?  
Must I answer you?  
Have I not answered you so many times?  
Now I have hurt you  
I regret that  
We will not speak of this again

II.  
If there were a way  
To show you I am sorry  
For what they made me do  
What they would have made me do  
I would say those words  
I feel your lips on mine still  
Trembling, afraid—angry  
So many emotions  
I tried not to hurt you  
This time I did try  
It is better to leave it alone  
Explaining will make nothing better  
Not when you want so much more from me  
Than just words

III.  
If there were regrets left in me  
You would be one of them  
That I let you leave the ship  
Without telling you I would miss you  
But how could I tell you that?  
It would have been illogical  
When I was planning to come here  
To study this discipline, to wash away  
The part of myself that missed you  
So I will never tell you that  
You will become one of those memories  
Locked away by this tradition of the mind  
A path not taken

IV.  
If there were no complications  
I would come to your quarters  
And tell you I am...happy you are here  
On this ship that V'ger drew me back to  
But that I now stay on for my own reasons  
You are one of them, Jim another  
The woman I never reached for  
The friend I abandoned  
But it is complicated  
For it seems, while I was away  
The two of you reached for each other  
I cannot blame you  
It is a good match—it is obvious even to me  
That you are happy  
Without me

V.  
If there were time  
I would show you how  
Often you've surprised me  
As we got to know each other  
After Jim left, you and Starfleet  
And I was free to—was I wooing?  
Would you have considered it that?  
I would let you into my mind  
And have you wander  
Pillage my memories  
My emotions  
Know, at your deepest core  
How much I care  
But there is not time  
You are on Earth and I  
I am here, in this transparent  
Cage—burned alive  
So the ship could escape a madman  
And a weapon of creation  
Jim will be here soon  
But you will not  
I will die and you will never know  
That I was going to come to you  
After this mission  
Finally, I was going to accept  
What you've offered for so long  
If only—two useless words  
But so apt

VI.  
If there were any logic in it  
I would seek to understand your dismay  
You seem to think I should know you  
My mother says you care for me  
This does not seem relevant  
In the aftermath of re-fusion  
I have read in my studies  
Since reawakening that  
It is a human failing to say  
An old part of oneself has died  
To excuse a loss of sentiment  
So if you were to ask me  
As you stand in the corner, backing  
Away, blinking—your eyes are wet—  
I would tell you the Spock you knew is gone  
But you do not ask  
So I do not have to say it

VII.  
If there were no people here  
In this vast hall of judgment  
Where they acclaim rather than condemn us  
I would pull you into my arms  
And tell you that now, now is our time  
Our eyes meet, you are listening to my father  
But looking at me, and that pleases me  
That he approves of you but that you  
Would rather watch me  
I will not examine that  
But I will study the way your lips turn up  
The manner in which you put your hand  
On his arm and he allows it, nodding  
As you take your leave  
As you walk to me  
Jim is waiting for me  
As is my father, now that you have abandoned him  
But you stop in front of me, and lift your eyebrow  
In a way that is yours, not some copy of a Vulcan  
And I say, "I will wish to speak to you about our relationship"  
The nurse I knew, even the doctor, might have shown  
Emotion at that  
But you are not those women now and it intrigues me  
Who you are—and to discover what else you have become  
I have had time to regret that I moved so  
Tentatively after Jim left  
When I should have claimed what we both want  
But that is done  
What is, is  
What will be—that is up to you  
As you smile, only one side of your lips  
Tilting up and I imagine tracing  
The many smiles you are capable of  
You nod and murmur that you look forward  
To that conversation  
Very, very much  
And then you leave  
I watch you until the doors close behind you  
You might see an echo of your smile on my own face  
If you were looking back

(Pairing: Spock/Chapel, written in 2019)


	4. Chapter 4

Fidelity  
By Djinn

You sit with Spock in the mess  
Trying to get food past your throat  
You want to pay attention to him  
To your friend, who knows you're aching  
But all you can focus on is  
That they're going to take Chris away  
Bones will have to report her injuries  
Her lack of response to treatment  
He's down a doctor and it's been a week  
You know Starfleet has better facilities  
But you won't be there and she'll know  
Won't she? She'll know

_Jim?_

_Sorry. Distracted_

_Understood_

Bones comes into the mess  
And you hate seeing him  
Your other best friend  
Here to break your heart  
Here to tell you she's being readied for transfer  
You breathe in sharply, loudly enough for  
Spock to turn to you

_Jim?_

_It's time_

Your voice breaks as you say it  
You swallow visibly, but you don't care  
If Spock sees it—if he recognizes the fear  
He knows how you feel and he's  
The only one who's given you hope  
After he melded with Chris, trying to wake her up  
Unable but sure she's still in there  
She just wasn't...reachable yet

_Tell me she'll wake up_

Silence

_For the love of God, tell me that  
Or I'll never be able to let her go_

Vulcans don't lie and yet he says she will  
She will wake up and you mustn't lose hope  
And he almost—almost—sounds like  
He actually believes that  
And then Bones is sitting and you're ready  
You're ready to hear that he's tearing her  
Away from you

_We had a meeting_

Who had a meeting?  
You let him go on, don't ask stupid questions  
Hoping against hope that a meeting means  
He found a way—any way—to keep  
The woman you love on board  
And he has  
Not a solution that works for long  
But for a few more weeks, they'll cover her shifts

_She'll be listed as recovering, not...unresponsive_

_She can stay?_

_She can stay_

Spock studies Bones, finally asks him  
A question you want to throttle him for  
But also know is exactly right  
He's the conscience in this, the voice of reason  
Of protocol and the greater good  
Because you can't be—not about this  
Did Bones ask them to do it—put pressure on them  
Out of affection for her, his deputy, his former nurse, his friend?

_It has to be voluntary, Doctor_

_It is_

You need to go to her and you leave your tray  
Because they'll take care of it the same way they're  
Taking care of you and her  
A moment later you're in sickbay  
In the quiet, darkened room she lies in  
Machines breathing for her, her skin  
Shining from regen but it looks better than it did  
Yesterday and the day before that  
She's improving—on the outside, anyway

_Hi, sweetheart. You don't have to leave  
Bones found a way, but you need to wake up  
You have to come back to me_

There's no change in her vitals  
No sign she can hear you until  
You take her hand like you have every day  
Since she was hurt and you feel...something  
A squeeze—a pulse, something anyway  
So you say it again, closer to her ear, lower  
Husky, the way she likes your voice when  
You're making love, when she takes you in and  
You forget everything except her

_I love you, Chris_

You haven't told her that yet  
You were still new and even though she was  
All you could see, you were both cautious  
You'd both been hurt  
By declarations said too soon  
And you thought you had time  
Until you found out you might not  
So you tell her now, over and over

_I love you, I love you, I love you_

And each time, you feel it  
The slightest tension, pressure  
Her, there, hearing you  
Working to get back to you  
Stubborn—she's so relentless when  
She wants something, whether it's a billet  
On your ship to look for Roger or the last of the  
Cookies you grabbed from the mess  
If she wants this, she'll fight her way back

_Where were we?_

You let go of her hand and sit in the comfy chair  
Nurse Hampton dragged into the room for you  
You reach for the padd you keep by the biobed  
As you settle into the peace of the room  
Into the steady sound of her breathing  
The memory of her fluttering strength  
Against your palm bolsters you  
As you resume reading her headlines  
News from home, anything that's  
Happy and good and funny  
Things that would make her laugh  
If she were awake  
Things that will make her laugh again  
When she finally wakes up  
You stop reading, reach for her hand

_I love you  
Come back to me_

You feel the answering squeeze, stronger this time  
Closing your eyes, you exhale a week's worth  
Of hell—you're tired, so damned tired  
But she's going to be okay  
She has to be  
You realize you're squeezing her too hard and while  
Her breathing is the same and her eyes stay closed  
You feel...something  
And it makes you smile as if you're  
Suddenly a touch telepath like Spock  
You imagine her reaction to how run-down  
You've let yourself become  
The way her voice would dip, becoming  
Husky in a mix of lust and concern  
The ways her eyes would shine  
The lazy smile—so sure she can distract you  
And always, always right about that

_What's it going to take, Jim, to make you  
Stop working and come to bed?_

_You, Chris. Only you_

(Pairing: Kirk/Chapel, written in 2020)


	5. Chapter 5

Boys Are Mean  
By Djinn

"You think you can tear  
yourself away from our  
patient long enough  
to help me? Spock's fine."

_Don't look like that—  
like I'm a monster.  
Why can't you see...me?  
_

"Hey, you managed  
to get through a whole  
shift without  
mentioning Spock.''

_Have you finally come to your_  
_senses? What do I have to do_  
_to make you notice me?_

"Oh so you're leaving the ship  
right after Spock abandons his  
humanity. Guess he's the only  
reason you had to stay?"

_Jim's leaving, too.  
We could start over,  
Christine, if you'd just stay.  
_

"Looks like nothing's  
changed—could you  
have squeaked any  
louder when you saw him?"

_Darlin', I know I'm taking your  
slot but give me a chance this time.  
No, don't leave again.  
_

"Funny how you were  
so hot to get your M.D.  
and now you're  
not even using it."

_You look so good, so light.  
How can you be so  
happy when I miss you so?  
_

"So, are you going to start  
mooning over me too now,  
that I've hosted Spock's katra  
and lived to tell about it?"

_Oh, yeah, you did host his  
consciousness, didn't you?  
I guess that makes us even.  
_

"I wasn't sure I'd ever see  
our time—or you—again.  
So here goes: I love you.  
I know you don't care, but I do."

_Thank God I said I'd go on this stupid  
camping trip so I don't have to  
think about what I said to you.  
_

"Yeah, our shakedown cruise  
did go sideways. Wait—you're  
serious? You do? No, I don't  
have something smart to say."

_My God you feel good; I could  
hold you all night. And those  
lips—better than I imagined.  
_

"Your place or mine? Yours,  
darlin'. Yes, I am going to  
hold your hand. I've waited  
a long damn time for this."

_And it was worth the wait.  
That smile, the way my name  
sounds when you come—heaven.  
_

"I wish I'd been brave enough  
to tell you how I felt when  
I first felt it. Would it  
have made a difference to you?"

_No? I didn't think so.  
Oh well, at least we have now.  
It's more than I ever expected.  
_

_And it's wonderful.  
_

(Pairing: McCoy/Chapel, written in 2020)


End file.
